Sunday, April 13, 2014

Lip Service is over....

Okay, so I'm setting the record straight about certain things....This is my blog, so this is my vent...my rant...mine.  If you don't like it, feel free to email, text, call me and air your grievance but I will say now that it won't make much difference, you have your opinion, I have mine.  I have been taught and try to practice not saying anything out of anger and to think things over before speaking....that's why this blog is just NOW being put out...To all of you that read my blogs but have never met me in person....you already know that I'm not a typically angry person... :-) For those of you who HAVE met me in person...you already know how I am...patient...but not a pushover....

I'm done with constantly having to rely on your lip services....Lip service doesn't pay.  Why is it that you find it so hard to just follow through or do the right thing? Not by your judgement, but by God's? Yes, there are times where a mouth stays shut to give one the benefit of doubt to get themselves together but there are times when one has to call things out.  When I don't speak it's not always because I'm unaware of what you do, but because I'm hoping you find the road to right, the guidance of the Holy Spirit to do right.

From day one, I had always strove to be the good wife, perfect wife, but that didn't seem to be enough...I tried anything and everything I knew to save my marriage.  I supported everything you wanted to pursue in the ministry but outside of our own church life, you always tried to look like you had no marital attachments..I would leave "good morning" or "I love you" notes and you would remove them as if you were ashamed of being married, but any other female could leave notes about whatever she wanted on your page and that was okay....Does this mean I was always the best I could be? NO...but I can NEVER be accused of CHEATING, breaking my vows...I put your needs ahead of my own and most of the time where did that leave me? Alone, by myself while everyone else thought things were fine.  We both went through dealing with the other's bad behaviors, but I never sought approval or comfort from the arms or voice of another man....not my Pastor, not my dad, not my brother, not my friends...The only man I could go to was God. I was even at the point where I didn't want another man to touch me, even to the point of shaking my hand....the only person I wanted TO touch me was my husband...THAT was a low point for me...

Whether through staying overactive in church to have no time for your family or always claiming you needed time alone so you could text, call, Facebook your conversational side pieces to vent or get some pillow talk on with, you never took your marital vows seriously. I remember when you thought it was okay to flirt and post inappropriate comments on females pictures where all your friends and mine could see and claim it was okay because you had known them for years...then try to make me feel bad saying you were counseling them or they needed a guys perspective.....meanwhile, other family and friends of yours and mine are calling, texting, questioning me about the same comments about who these chicks are....smh...

Maybe we were both in love with the idea of being in love and being married......although we were friends, that friendship wasn't enough to build a marriage on. I always found it aggravating on how you would be quick to dismiss close friends or pastors giving Godly advice as if you knew how to better handle it.... "it's between me and my wife" you would tell others.."we're working it out" you would say....that was crap...you would say that to get them off your back...You heard but never listened or applied....I applied what I could but had to face it that i was married to someone who didn't care about me or our marriage.

I look back on it all and think maybe i should have said no, but I've learned a lot about myself through this marriage and divorce....I've learned your lip service is lost on me.

How am I expected to believe anything from a person who carried on an affair for about 6 months during our first year and a half of being married, making the same marital promises to another woman that were made to me when we were engaged? A woman who had no knowledge you were married...even asked you if you were married or involved and you always replied no...  Then when given the chance to get your act together and focus on saving your marriage, you go and cheat again...no not physically again....but through conversation, phone calls, relationship promises....telling females that we were "going through a divorce" or that you're not married....again.  Meanwhile, I'm under the assumption that we were working it out (but were just struggling at it).  Once again lip service lost....telling me and them the same "I love you" lies.  NEVER in my life had I felt so gullible....so low.....so betrayed....

Forget me being your spouse, we were supposed to be friends first and last time I checked friends never treated each other like this...lying blatantly to my face. But the moment I felt strongest and most scared was when I decided to leave.  I was never raised or taught to be someone's doormat or to put up with being lied to...or doing me wrong.  Lip service lost again.

Now while moving on, I've learned to not be bitter, but at the same time, there is a time to be justifiably angry.  I've been there already more times than I can count...to the point that I didn't wish you any physical harm....but to your belongings, they could all go up in flames and I wouldn't have been the slightest bit concerned. Even with as mad as I was, I always pushed for everything to be fair, unlike what you tried to make everyone think.  My true friends know me to be fair and that is how I dealt with you...but seriously, you must have lost your mind to think that I was going to pay for your bad choices....

I let you purchase a truck in my name only for you to return it to me claiming you didn't feel responsible to finish paying for it and couldn't afford it....only to return in a brand new model of the same vehicle...hmm...God sure can work some miracle...Then you expect to leave me with a load of debt and a stack of tickets that you don't feel obligated to pay for...because why? You just didn't feel like you should have to..hmmmm must be nice to get over on folk that try to help you when they don't have to.

As we went through our divorce you tried your best to make me sound like the out of control, crazy ex...I'm so glad that people got to know the real me...they can see straight through your lip service you give them about me. More lip service lost. If I was as active as you are in church, I would have had to step down from things to get my life together, even though the marriage was beyond repair.  My life would need more attention than what it appears you gave yours. I stepped down from responsibilities, ministries and eventually the church because I couldn't take seeing you continue to do as you always had before, with no sense of remorse.  But that brings to mind you telling me that I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, that I don't always have to let people know what I feel...that's true...but that's like telling someone who's husband beat them to not limp or be sore in public (DISCLAIMER: My ex NEVER laid a hand on me in anger....NEVER....that would have been his last day alive or at least his last day of freedom)...if I slept alone the whole week and barely had conversation and was sad about it, good luck on getting my happy face to show up when we got to church. Did I want to leave the church? No, not completely, but I no longer viewed you as a man of God, but a disruption to the solace I sought in worship.

I will say this: I don't know who you are anymore, I don't want to know either.  You can think that everything I do from here out is personal...but no...it's me doing due diligence. I am treating you the same as any other person I have to settle grievances with. At this point, it's ALL business.

I have no desire to put up with the lip service you give to try to keep up your image at your job or at church. At this point, if you couldn't tell already, I don't care to cover your behavior. You won't pay debt you owe, but you can spend top dollar to go to revivals? Something is backwards...God tells you to take care of tithes, personal/home business....but nowhere does it say to cheat others so you can look good.  Does this mean that my actions are perfect? NO, absolutely not...I'm not proud to say it, but for a good while of going through my divorce when I first moved out, I spent more nights at home, buzzed or drunk because I didn't feel like having to deal with emotional pain...yes I did and that was the lowest I'd ever felt.....but then I realized that's definitely not the road I wanted to take...So I threw myself into my crafts, my jewelry anything healthy to take my mind off it....and found that I had a passion for it. I'd spend most of the day now looking forward to getting home so I could get into more creations... But what I can say is that I'm honest with people about my feelings...and I'm honest with myself about my flaws.

Have I moved on? YES. But that doesn't mean that I don't have an opinion or anything to vent and get off my chest. I am a stronger person, not afraid of failure...not afraid to love someone again....

Say what you want, call me whatever name in the world makes you feel better about it....my character will speak for me..it may be flawed, but I own it..and strive now to make it better.  I am moving on and setting out to accomplish things that I have put on the back burner for the past 5 years.  For once in a long time, I'm HAPPY with where I am and where I'm headed and there's nothing about you that can take that from me.

The Roschelle you met in your early 20's is grown, the Roschelle you married is gone, the Roschelle you deal with now is as good as you will ever get from me.

If you only remember one thing about me, make it this: I wish you God's will for your life....and that is NOT lip service.